so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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