I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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