Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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