Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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