mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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