Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
