I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
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She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
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It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
