I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
