My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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