I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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