So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
