she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
