My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
