My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
