no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize