I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
