i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
