"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
