If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
