i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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