youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
