I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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