I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
