Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
