I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
