I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
