Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
