ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
