Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
