I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
