i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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