Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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