if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
