Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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