If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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