wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
