New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
