Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
