i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
