Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
