I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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