so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
