Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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