I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The police scanner is talking about you again....
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
