if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
