this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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