I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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