I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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