I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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