just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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