two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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