for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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