after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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