Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
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