My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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