Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
